Social Anxiety Rant

 Social anxiety is fucking up my life to an astronomical level. Seriously I don’t understand what the fuck my deal is. I don’t even know if it’s social anxiety that’s my problem either. I can socialize with new people just fine, in most environments even. In fact I am actually pretty good at it I think. Often people say they find me effervescent and friendly upon meeting me for the first time. This is nice I guess and that demeanor comes naturally to me, but when it comes to advancing my relationships with people and building connections I am completely clueless on how to do it. There are so many people in my life that I want to get to know better and who I am sure I could be close friends with given the circumstances, but I’m honestly just so anxious about initiating any sort of friendly activities with those people ugh. I know that something is wrong with my brain. When I reflect on times that I have managed to break out of this social anxiety shell and go do fun or chill stuff with new friends it always goes well, all the bullshit my brain was telling me about how awkward I am and about how I’m going to make this person think I am weird, turns out to be totally false and all is fine. Despite this the voice that tells me that has only gotten louder, and the more time I spend being so isolated the worse it gets and the harder it becomes to just go do something with people that I love. I literally have so much love and kindness in my heart!!! Why can I not use it without shaking before I leave my house just because the thought of socialization scares me so much constantly?? Ohfoihsdfjklaflkdhsafhduasfhdsifhoadsh

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Like, I was at a bar with my friends the other day, and tbh it was pretty lame, the karaoke downstairs was cool but otherwise it was just like 6 other friends and I in this empty bar. The moment I kind of fell out of conversation I immediately went into anxious wreck mode and just sat in a chair more or less observing everyone else while twiddling my thumbs listening to my anxiety tell me how much of a loser I am. I wanted to get up and engage but IDK WHAT TO DO OR SAY LIKE SJHFOSADJFGSDJ;LGBJLDSFG >:((((. 

I just called an lyft home atp.

This happens so much too, it’s so rare for me not to feel totally out of place when in a social setting. The only place I can think of this feeling not being present is when I am at a rave (with lots of my gang there) or on stimulants. I really hate that I need drugs to socialize without feeling like I am embarrassing myself, weed really only makes it worse tbh. I love getting faded tho it's just that it really does just make me dumber. This is why I only smoke before bed, never at any other time of the day because if I do then it will just ruin my day tbh and make me unproductive in every respect. TBH being faded all day is really bad, u r fucking with ur dopamine receptors so much by doing that. If u need weed to do any normal functions than u need to back off. Not a Doctor, and I love weed as well, but some of y'all got that shit controlling ur lives on the DL. haha.

The vast majority of my free time is spent in my room, and tbh I’m not too displeased by that. As much as I wish I was able to socialize more without having to defeat crippling anxiety, I do indeed love being alone. I am never bored. I can make music, make art, make a flier, make visuals, DJ, dance, abuse substances, and write dumb stuff like this ^-^. As much as I see my social anxiety as a curse, being alone it lit. I have never been able to understand how many people I know try to spend all of their freetime doing shit with friends. I need time to myself, as I value creativity and self discovery to be more important than having fun with friends. There must be a balance, but the scale of hanging with friends vs chilling at home making cool shit leans in favor of staying at home making cool shit.

Anyway, I HATE TALKING ABOUT “DRAMA” AND BEEF WITH PEOPLE AND SHIT TOO. SHFJHSDAJFGH there are plenty of people who I think deserve shit talked about them but when people around me start talking about their drama and beef with people WHO THEY BARELY EVEN KNOW, i just tune out. Who cares bro fr, BUT IT SEEMS LIKE SO MANY PEOPLE DO CARE AND I AM WEIRD FOR NOT BEING INTERESTED IN TALKING ABOUT WHAT SOME DJ IN THE CITY, WHO HAS A LOT OF FANS BUT I HAVE NEVER TALKED TO AND HAVE NO RELATION TOO, SAID ON THEIR INSTAGRAM STORY ABOUT WHOEVER. Like brah idc.

Where I was actually intending on going with that last paragraph was this, since I have been playing larger shows, especially with Pandemonium, and my music has been getting a little more recognition, people have been saying wack ass shit to me. Shit that just shows how music scenes can create such a false image of a person that many others will idolize without actually knowing the true colors of the individual in question. 

People that I have just met will be in my DMs or talking to me irl fanning for me and gassing me up to the point where they say shit like “CHELSEA U R A FUCKING CELEBRITY TO ME” or “I WANNA BE LIKE U I THINK U R SO COOL”. Like… not to be a cunt but you only think that because I played some silly music on stage for an hour (and I looked sexy while doing it lol). But if you had a look into who I actually am you would take what you said about me back right away. Because buried under the loud music and the energy I have while performing is a socially anxious mentally ill wreck of a person who see’s you as an equal while you see me as some extremely idolized version of who I actually am.

Not the most well articulated rant, but whatever I just needed to get that off my chest. 

No I did not proof read it either