A Discordant Reflection

A Discordant Reflection

The sun had not risen, in fact, it hasn’t in a few days. I looked out the window, its glass was heavily tinted by oncoming regret. Outside I saw what I saw everyday, but I felt compelled to explore. As silently as possible I made my way out of our room and approached the stairs. I hated them, each stair seemed to have an indescribable grievance with my feet. I ignored them as usual while walking down. The front door in front of me looked like it was having trouble deciding whether or not it would let me through this morning. I groped the doorknob and twisted, it let out a shrill whimper that quickly died in the frigid air.

Outside, the fog was overwhelming. I could barely see my own hands, at first glance I would have thought they had detached from my body. The air smelled like a familiar yearning, cold and sick but irresistible. Leaves fell in peculiar patterns around me and the wind chimes beside me created a cacophony of frequencies that wormed their way into the deepest most forgotten caverns of my memory. I walked down the empty concrete paths, past houses full of unequivocal vacancy.

This island was home to many, but I had yet to meet any of its inhabitants intentionally. Sometimes their skin could be seen walking down the street. They didn’t pay much attention to me at all, so I tried to do the same. I knew the beach wasn’t far from here, it wasn’t really far from anywhere on this small island, but the road would soon surrender to the shore. The sea’s blueness slowly broke through the fog’s opaque shade of gray. There was a dock not far ahead, there were always several boats anchored to it, speedboats, sailboats, fishing boats, all belonging to the people who I could never really understand. The wooden planks groaned under my feet as I tread upon them, wishing for my weight to plunge them into the ocean just below.

I found myself doing this almost every day, staring out into the blue oceanic infinity, “if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you” has always been such a fascinating idea to me because it never ceases to prove itself as true, at least in my experience. The fact that being alone with yourself can swiftly induce uncompromising distress from self realization says a lot about the human mind, too powerful for its own good you could say. When not distracted by the constant cacophony of life’s uncertainties, we have no choice but to face our own and see how far from our true selves we have become. Eventually we become too numb to feel the pain that is always being inflicted upon us, and when we lose our understanding of pain we begin to hurt all of those in our way without a clue of what we are doing. 

I continued staring into the foggy oceanic void until I couldn’t take it anymore, I turned back but I faced a new path. The sudden change startled me but I reminded myself, nothing here maintains much certainty at all. This path was made of dirt, and the houses on either side of the road were gone too, replaced by forest. I began walking on what felt like artificial soil, I could see more clearly too. The farther I went down the path the thinner the fog became. Scattered about the infinite trees were brief glimpses of familiarity. Reflections peered at me from behind distant trees, trying to get a look at this new visitor of theirs. Birds flew just overhead carrying flowers in their beaks. I saw marigolds, begonias, snapdragon, and more all soaring above me. Their petals fell below and decorated the path before me. The dirt path turned into a mossy wooden bridge that slowly ascended into the air farther than my eye could see. I walked across the bridge that looked as if it had no end, and I could see structures in the distance. Giant towers constructed from the mangled tearings of different faces stood erect with the trees, they became more present than the trees the farther I walked. Some smiled, some screamed, some were making expressions I had never seen before. One face however caught my eye and I stopped walking. It wheezed like a pig in a slaughterhouse that narrowly avoided its killing, bleeding and waiting to be put out of its misery while it hung from a metal hook lodged in its rotting organs. Its eyes wide and tearful, its pupils shaped like a regretful man aching to escape the horrors of its own self-inflicted misery. The pillars of collaged faces stood higher than the trees, and contorted into flurries of bipolar branches covered in unseen expressions of malice, fear, and misjudgment. They didn’t like my presence either. This place that I considered to be my sanctuary was looking at me with repulsion.

I closed my eyes and continued walking. “This will all be over soon, I’ll find a way out and look back at this and laugh.” I tried to calm myself and provide reassurance, in all honesty it never really worked. What was happening here? My own thoughts became overpowered by voices from all directions. I stared at the visions provided by my closed eyelids, too abstract for me to comprehend in this state of internal perplexity. I opened my eyes again. Every face was gone. The towering pillars that went as far as I could see had disappeared, were they ever there to begin with? The bridge had ended, a wooden sign that read “infinite yesterdays!” was suspended midair in front of me. Where do I go now, I wondered? I suppose the only way is back where I came. I was almost calm, as tempting as that pathway was. I didn't know it would have exposed me to such adverse emotions.

I turned around to see myself, but I didn’t recognize them. They stared at me, and seemed much more relaxed than I was. The air around us was too still, as if there was none. “You really think you’re safe here?” Myself said to me. Their voice was a dissonant replica of my own, it was uncanny. “I appreciate you allowing me here on such short notice.” The voice infested my eardrums and attacked them vigorously, I could tell I wasn’t supposed to be hearing it. I was confused, already by seeing myself approach me but by that statement as well. This thing in front of me is not me, why does it pretend to be? At last I opened my mouth to speak, but I was too late.

Faster than I could blink, the fake self kicked me in the chest and sent me flying off the bridge, but I fell so slowly. I thought I would be dead by now but I descended from the sky at a lethargic pace. I was still looking at the edge of the bridge that I had launched off of, I saw myself step towards the edge and look down at me. “You know I’ve been looking forward to seeing you for a while now, I’ve been meaning to check in.” I didn’t know what this meant, I had never seen this “clone” of myself before in my life and if I did I would obviously remember right? “You are fortunate enough to maintain a physical form, like the one you’re in right now, I however am not so lucky. So I need to borrow yours temporarily.” I didn’t know what to say, would this version of myself even allow me to speak? “I promise I’ll put you back here as soon as possible.” 

What was about to happen to me… 

The “clone” that stood on the bridge seemed to be flickering in and out of my perception. Tears and holes were appearing all over their body but only for split seconds. 

“Shall we begin?” Myself asked me, knowing that I was powerless.

I began to fall at full speed, like I should have earlier. I fell through the sky, through the clouds, through the trees until I hit the familiar dirt below.